Jesus Day

Wednesday, May 21, 2008
I dedicate this post to my good friend Sarah.

I received this wonderful piece of mail today:





My morbid curiosity got the best of me, and I opened the letter to find:

- A welcome letter telling me that this will be the best year of my life thanks to faith and prayer. Conveniently, there is a portion on the back of the letter where I can choose to send some seed money for "God's Work".

- A "Prayer Rug", which consists of an 11" x 17" piece of paper with a drawing of Jesus crying on it.

- A pamphlet describing the various miracles of people who have used the enclosed Prayer Rug. Most of them appear to have been blessed with money. Whether or not this comes from the seed money of God's Work is not mentioned.

- A list of prophecies that will take place. This piece of paper is sealed, and I'm not supposed to open it until I've used the Prayer Rug. If I don't use the Prayer Rug, I am supposed to destroy this list without opening it or reading it.

- A postage-paid envelope I can use to get my free "Deuteronomy 8:18 Prosperity Cross" (along with any seed money I wish to contribute).

The entire package is so amazingly wonderful that I would love to post the complete text of everything. Alas, it's rather lengthy (I couldn't bother to read more than a few sentences myself), but I may take a picture if I feel so motivated.

Admittedly, I haven't thrown any of this away. See, Sarah is busy corrupting her nieces into believing that Jesus didn't put a big yellow pipe in the middle of their street. We all know the truth. Perhaps if I request this Deuteronomy 8:18 Prosperity Cross and gift it to Sarah, she will see the error of her ways and finally admit that Jesus did indeed put a big yellow pipe down her niece's street.

3 comments:

Sarah said...

Jesus is such a pain in my ass. He's leaving pipes in streets, flying around the planet and all sorts of weird, fucked-up stuff. Doesn't he have better things to do? Like get his hair cut? COME ON!

Dude, I sooooo want that prayer rug.

Cassie the Great said...

Does it say HOW you have to use the prayer rug? If you use it say... as a pot holder or as a paper boat can you still open the prophecies?

I would not want to pray on Jesus crying. But then, I'm not much for prayer or Jesus in the first place.

And what's with the random red underlining. It kind of frightens me. It's like they have some psycho ex-teacher editing their envelopes. She just can't let go of the urge to use her red pen!

jenny said...

hey, we teachers like our red pens!